10 Halloween Costume Ideas For Ladies

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I know, ladies… It’s hard out there for you! How can you tastefully show as much skin as possible, while wearing a clever, [somewhat] inexpensively made costume depicting a mildly obscure character/caricature/personality/other??? Oh, did I mention that NO ONE ELSE IN THE WORLD CAN BE THE SAME THING! What to do???

Well, you’ve come to the right place. Here’s a list of some possible Halloween Costume ideas for those of you too lazy to have thought of something back in August when you were supposed to:

10: Continental Airlines Flight Attendant: Ya know, because apparently everyone will be going as a “Pan Am” flight attendant… and that company went out of business a long time ago! What? There’s a show!? Oh…

9: Ironic Irony: The whole idea of being a “Hipster” is to show how ironic you can be… Well what if someone decides to be even more ironic and dress as a Hipster for Halloween in an 80’s T-Shirt and thick-rimmed glasses? Well that’s Irony Plus! Now… let’s take it one step further…… You know those “Rabbit Ears” or “Cat’s Ears” or “Mouse Ears” or “Nurse’s Hat” that any 18-35 year old girl can wear and instantly explain away their tight, unidentifiable dress? Yeah, put those on; just the ears! Now you’re a Hipster, being a Sexy [Insert whatever]. And that, ladies, is Ironic Irony.

8: Cancelled Playboy Bunny: After only a handful of episodes, the NBC show The Playboy Club went down in glorious fashion. So, dress as a Playboy Bunny, and when someone asks you what you are, light your cottontail on fire and run around screaming.  [CAUTION: You may need extra cottontails… Oh, and fire burns.]

7: iSad: You can be a “MacHead”, still mourning Steve Jobs. It’s not too soon, other people will dress as a dead Steve Jobs—at least now you’re being original, and can embarrass them when you fall at their feet, screaming and crying.

6: A Liberated Libyan: A traditional Arab headdress and veil, but instead of a full Burqa, wear a Mini-Skirt. (For those of you not following the news, read-up! What do I look like, a journalist?)

5: SVU Victim: Not from the TV show… I mean, like, a REAL SVU victim. Use your imagination. Come up with a horrifying back-story and a murder so gruesome it would make Charles Manson blush. Give people nightmares; it’s Halloween after all.

4: Foot-ball: Let’s face it… the majority of girls who say they “Watch Football,” are only saying so to get a guy to think, “Oh sweeeeet. I’ll marry you.” Which, in the end, is all the girl wanted in the first place. Touchgoal for the girl! ……Therein lies the issue. Not to be sexist, but even the most ardent female football-watcher knows just enough about the game to watch their favorite team play. Embrace it! Put on that Jersey you wear every Sunday—and when an annoying guy hits on you by saying, “Nice! [Insert Team Name]?” you say to them, “No,” then you KICK THEM IN THE BALLS, and say, “I’m Soccer.” Then walk away.

3: A “Dancer”: This is “Schoolgirl” meets “Poor Geek”. It’s your answer to all those girls dressing up as Zooey Deschanel in New Girl… Your character is going to Community College during the day, but at night, her dubious occupation still affords her a tuition. It’s a time-honored tradition, really.

2: A Whore: Nothing more. Run with it!

1: The Empress’ New Clothes: You all know the story… A con artist convinces an emperor that a new silk-like fabric is so light and special it’s practically invisible! Thus, when the Emperor shows up in public wearing his “New Clothes”, he’s actually completely naked—oops! The ultimate wardrobe malfunction! Happy Halloween! (Come on ladies, let’s face it, we’re headed this way anyway…. Might as well make the future now.)

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