Let’s Get The Poop On San Francisco: Literally

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Alright everybody… let’s ‘lift the seat’ on our inhibitions, thoroughly ‘wipe’ social topic taboos, and get the real poop on – well – poop in San Francisco. That’s right, human waste. And it has become such an issue in some areas, HuffPost records that “the San Francisco’s Department of Public Works reports 600 to 800 ‘incidents of human waste and urine’ on city streets every month.” Wow! You’d be less likely to step in a messy Frisbee pie doing relay races in cow grazing fields.

The report states that the city’s highest number of occurrences happen mostly in the alleyways of SoMa and the Tenderloin. What do you expect with all that meat? One company has come forward with a solution that just might ‘flush’ the city’s fecal dilemma. It’s called the Pooplet. Invented by Hyphae Design Laboratory, “the Oakland-based firm, which also designed the living roof now sitting atop the California Academy of Sciences, has proposed installing eco-friendly compost toilets that [would] take up the space previously occupied by a parking spot.” Just what San Francisco needs: Less parking!?

Now here’s how our magical little defecation eater works: “The enclosed toilets would automatically separate liquid and solid waste, which cuts down on the smell factor and makes the final product more efficient to turn into reusable compost.” But what about the privacy? “The walls of the pooplets would be translucent, allowing police to monitor the blurry silhouettes of the action inside in an effort to stop illegal activities from happening inside.” Sorry George Michael.

Of course, it goes without saying (I know… then why the hell am I saying it? I don’t know… it’s just the foolish vernacular we’ve all agreed on so take it up with that dude Webster) that the homeless are the biggest contributors to the city’s public defecation issue. It’s not like restroom access is so scarce in the Bay area, that a reputable attorney waiting for the trolly who’s late and bloated is popping a squat on the corner clad only with a briefcase and a manila folder for privacy. The report elaborates on with this point claiming, “The problem is that they don’t stay open at night, and are closed during evenings and very early in the morning when the homeless need those most.”

One local man claimed that “the only way to find a restroom before 7 a.m. is to buy yourself a cup of coffee at Starbucks.” Yeah… that works right up until you touch that laxative liquid crap Starbucks calls coffee to your lips. Honestly, is my body the only one that reacts to one of their esteemed beverages like I just took a shot of Caffeinated Colon Cleanser?

“In 1994, the city signed a 20-year contract with Paris-based JCDecaux to install and maintain dozens of the coin-operated, advertising supported public restrooms throughout the city.” However, the number of installations versus the amount in need have shown the deal to be insufficient.

As far as the pooplet is concerned, it’s believed that the first one will be ‘making a splash’ in San Francisco by next Spring.

…Man, this is probably the ‘crappiest’ story you’ll read all week!

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