No Means No… Stay Away From That Horsey Sex


Before we even get started here, let this first line of the article act as a disclaimer for anybody with proclivities towards sexually bizarre crimes. If you’re wondering where I’m going with this, let me give you a hint, “Giddy Up!”

Now speaking frankly, we as a sexually active people as a whole, find well-endowed men particularly attractive in bed. Most likely due to something etched in our evolutionary subconscious relating to survival and procreation. But being “horse-hung” is impressive ONLY if you’re not a horse!

Unfortunately, a 62-year old Michigan man had trouble making that distinction. According to the Huffington Post, the man “was allegedly caught on surveillance video having sexual intercourse with a horse.” Not only that, according to police, “it is the second time the man has been accused of bestiality in the past 10 years.” The man likes his animals people. Now how do authorities charge this incident? Well, Sgt. Fritz Sandberg of the Clinton County Sheriff’s Office released that the accused man, John Robert Mester, “has been charged with one count of committing sodomy and one count of aggravated indecent exposure.” Yeah… wait ’till they get the horse whisperer on the stand to discuss the clip-clop’s emotional distress.

Mester was a person in question ever since police were contacted in June by Cindy Heistand – “a woman who runs a boarding stable in Riley Township.” Heisner purchased a surveillance camera for the field after “she became suspicious when some of her customers spotted a suspicious man feeding the horses in her pasture.” Now here’s a scene from a rural porn many of us will go a lifetime without seeing. “The videos allegedly show a man feed a thoroughbred mare from a bucket. According to police, afterwards, he flipped the bucked over and stood on it, lifted the stable sheet and had sexual intercourse with the animal.” Alrighty then!

According to police, in 2001, “Mester was charged with having sexual acts with a pony but [was] ultimately convicted of [attempted] animal torture. He spent 30 days in the county jail.”

The most disparaging part of all this is that Mester is married according to local media outlets. Which leads me assume that he’s cheating on some poor Clydesdale at home with the kids. Even though he is currently free on a $5,000 bond, I say it’s time to pony up, and get some help. Naaaay!

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